I'M BACK... AGAIN

Its been a hellish period for me. Weeks of depravity and carnality has demented my famished soul. I've been pursuing the things that I know were wrong. I've been walking in the dark, as if I were a pagan, blind, lost, clothed with the fabric of sin. I am ashamed of my flesh. I am pitiful, worldly, lacking every ounce of spiritual clarity and resolution.

I have been given a great motivation that never runs dry, a strong discernment from a Word that never perishes and an awing heart from the Most High, but how so weak is my flesh?! How I so easily give in to laziness, to idleness, to worldliness, to sin, to carnality, to godless chatter, to ungodly passions that bringeth me away from His presence. I have openly defied the decrees of heaven with full knowledge of His glory. How so weak is this unredeemed flesh? Indeed, how so weak am I?

I've been through so much lately. Wrestling with the devil has weakened my resolve. Too many times have I used His sovereign grace that is able to keep me blameless as an excuse to indulge my soul with the things that God hates the most. Too many times have I derived pleasure not from His infallible Word, but from the world that seeks to hide the face of Christ, esteem Him not and distract the minds of His elect from eternal objects. Too many times have I placed myself in a comfortable pattern of living, pleasing the flesh, living in deceit, allowing the constant pressures of the enemy defile the temple of His Most Holy Spirit. Too many times have I run for comfort, not into the arms of God, but into the pits of past that were supposedly crucified with Him. Too many times have I openly rebelled against the Lord of lords and the King of glory, who maketh the greatest captain weak and the weakest slave strong! Indeed, how so weak am I?

In this battle in which I hope to finish soon in accordance to the delaying hands of the Lord, I seek not only genuine repentance but continual renewal of character. I seek to be better, to be conformed into the image of His Son so that I may be a complete slave to His will. How I dearly wish that every thought that springeth from my mind and every word that cometh from my mouth be but powerless captives of Christ, the One who is holy and just. Ah! What struggle indeed has befallen me, a hell-bound sinner but saved by grace, regenerate but still of the flesh.

As I listen to Him once again, I hear the voices of those angels that fly passionately in no idle circle, crying, night and day, dawn and dusk, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts! The earth is filled with His glory!" And I take one look at the change in my life, from sinner to an undeserving saint, eying every aspect of His imperishable seed that deserves not to be planted in my heart, ah yes, just one look at me and His cross and I would forever fall down on my knees mimicking the voices of His sound and refined multitude. How indeed does the cross and the changes brought by it makes me want to joyfully treasure Christ Jesus as the one true Master!? How I am drawn to advance His kingdom in this generation of folly and deceit?! How I am compelled to concern myself with one thing: His holy and good will, which is both my food and my life, the reason for my existence and my very sustenance.

Things have changed. I've decided to embrace my destiny once again. From the ashes of despair, the mounds of insanity and the chapels of hatred, deceit and lust, I'm back, old but new, deeply grieved but overjoyed, pressed but strengthened, empty but filled, lost and found again by the Lord who speaketh Words of kindness and love, holiness and justice, mercy and grace.

Its good to finally be back.... again....