Loneliness?

used to succumb to fits of loneliness all the time. Melancholic was my middle name ever since I became a Christian, or so I ignorantly thought.

I used to dream that I could be normal just like everyone else. I used to wish I could interact like a normal guy without being overly concerned about deep things. But whenever I go out of my artificial shell, I couldn't help but think of God's magnificence. Then when I go back into hiding, depriving myself of His nurturing light, I fall flat on my face in agony. Pain was a knife at every door, or so I ignorantly thought.. again..

In the days of my infantile years, my friends would sometimes find me staring blankly or just sitting silently in a corner, deep in thought. I know they think its weird yet I simply couldn't help but indulge myself into stuff that men tend to ignore. I remember when I was in High School. I always walked in a certain part of our campus wherein the leaves where silently falling. No one understood why I would always pass through that area on my way to the cafeteria. All they see is a bunch of dirty, meaningless leaves falling on the ground. But, me? I see the turning of seasons. When one leaf falls, another one develops just like the cycle of life or the conversion of the human soul. I see man being born again as the bad leaves of our hearts are being plucked out by God.

There were also this times when I preferred to walk alone during cold nights. No one understood why I would rather walk than take the bus. As weird as it sounds, I'd love to listen to the crunching of snow beneath my shoes whenever I take a step. I'd like to feel the cold wind in my face as I thread my path home. Walking makes me aware of the things I ignore during my busy days: how trees would sway at the cold winter breeze, or the sound of rubber as it slides against the road. These things speak words in their own accord. For as trees are constantly pelted by the cold, they never give up. And as tires squeal in protest against the road, they never stop rotating unless instructed by their master. Even in this perishing world, God's awesome works never fail to shine.

Going through the narrow gate has never been easy but with a deep sense of comfort and joy, I could proudly say that I am happy beyond words. I am a fleeting shrub under the shade of God's hand. I know I will fail yet I can praise His Name with confidence in my weakness. I glory in my trials and suffering for it is sometimes through such that the fullness of God's love can be known.

If not for His grace, I would be an empty, rotten bark destined to hell. He purposed my creation, saved me then raised me to do His bidding on this world until my soul breaks free from my body and joins the "others" in worship. At first, I didn't appreciate this. I hated God for it. Persecution, suffering and loneliness were my morning soups. And "alone" and "fear" were vivid words that echoed in my heart. But as I grew up under His tutelage, I repented and realized how ignorant and idolatrous I was. I was selfish even though the Lord's decree has given me no reason to hold on to my life. I was a fool for not immersing myself to the simple truth.

Loneliness never existed! I have stubbornly refused to submit to the pristine tides of reality, which is why I used to constantly feel alone. If you consider the God of all creation purposing your salvation, purchasing you with His Son and transforming you with His Spirit, how can you consider yourself to be lonely? My future has been decided even before I was born. And by His sustaining grace, I wait and place my hope on the Firstborn, who took my damnation into His body. There's no such thing as loneliness. Grieve for the world's sinful state and depravity but never walk the path of loneliness. Our resurrected Lord is alive! The way maybe narrow but you are never alone!